Inadequate
by beautiful imperfections
Summary: I love you, Fang." The words seemed inadequate as I spoke them to an empty sky. Fax, oneshot.


_Oneshot_

_**Inadequate

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**_Life can't get any worst, I reflect, as I jump into the air, snapping my wings open. I can hear the Flock following my lead. Or what is left of the Flock. You're missing and my heart can hardly take it anymore.

The crisp December air chills my face and fingers, but I hardly feel it past the numbness of the last few days. I'm broken without your silent shadow by my side and the rest of the Flock are at a loss of what to do. None of us were prepared for you leaving, for you dying. In my mind it wasn't possible.

Of course, that was before the tragedy of Saturday. The last four days have been torture. Each breath is a struggle and I have no more tears to cry.

For hours we all fly in complete silence, not stopping for food or rest, as those luxuries don't take away the pain. Flying is the only thing that stops Angel from crying, or Iggy from punching things, or Nudge and Gazzy bickering. But feeling the wind beneath my wings do nothing to ease my pain. Nothing stops the hurt that courses through my body. Nothing blocks the agony of losing you, my best friend.

Finally, out of complete exhaustion, we land on the outskirts of a bright city. Lights flashing and car horns blaring. My heart aches. I can still picture you attempting to drive.

"Come one, guys," I say hoarsely, leading them towards all the commotion. It's then I hear the music faintly playing and I realize that Christmas is tomorrow. What a Christmas we'll be having this year. Tears blur my vision for a moment before I blink them away. It's no time to cry. I need to find a place for the Flock to crash. I don't sleep anymore hardly. Iggy's stopped trying to make me.

We check into a cheap hotel that has a lame Santa smiling in the lobby. Angel looks at it wistfully, but I pretend not to notice. Like he could get her anything she would want. We go up to our room.

"Max," Angel says so softly, after a meager meal Iggy warmed up in the small kitchenette of our room. "Can we see Santa?"

I want to glare at her and snap 'of course not!' but instead I carefully place those thoughts away so she won't hear them, and answer, "What would there be to ask him?"

She shrugs, shooting a glance at her brother and I assume he's in on this. "It's Christmas tomorrow," she whispers, sounding close to tears. "We've never gotten any presents." I can visibly see her swallow.

"I know," I say, dismissively. "But Santa Claus isn't real. You know that." None of us had ever pretended otherwise.

Angel nodded before bursting into tears and covering her face with her hands. I pull her into my arms and start rocking her as the Flock gathers closer. Nudge is crying too as she leans against Iggy's side. Gazzy looks so lost and I wish I had the strength to reassure him that everything's going to be all right.

"I just," Angel gets out between sobs. "I just wanted to ask....ask..." She cries for a long time before she finishes. "I wanted to ask for Fang back."

My heart constricts when I hear your name spoken and I'm unable to keep the tears from streaming down my face. I hate myself for not being strong. The Flock has broken down around me and they need a strong leader.

"No one can bring Fang back," Iggy says, and I smile gratefully at him over Angel's head. I can almost see the conflict inside him as he tries to take your place. He thinks-knows-I've always depended on you and he's fighting with himself to take on that role. But that's never been the person he is, and I feel guilty for not telling him to let it go.

In the end, we're unable to comfort each other and we all pile unto one bed, all five of us. We'd lost Total along with you, but compared to you dying, it seemed minor. I'm in the middle with Angel and Nudge on one side and Gazzy and Iggy on the other. After I know for sure that the three younger kids have cried themselves to sleep, I crawl out of bed and tell Iggy I'm going for a spin. I barely see him nod before I jump out the window.

The cities lights are tiny and dim below me as I soar through the dark night, remembering all the times I would do this with you. And now, a few hours away from Christmas 2008, I'm alone and feel like I'm going to be alone forever. Without you, I feel like I have to learn how to live again. I don't know how to function without you. I definitely don't know how to function with all the grief you've laid on me.

"Fang," I whisper to you. Your face flashes in my mind and I feel so full of regret for not telling you how I really feel before you died. "I love you."

The words are inadequate as I speak to an empty sky.

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_**Author's Note: **_I was planning on writing a fluffy fax Christmas story but this is what popped out instead. Hope I didn't depress any of you. Lol

Reviews? Any suggestions for a happy Christmas Oneshot?


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